What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old from Belfast, recalls the day following her third miscarriage as a time of emotional turmoil. Her return to work as a receptionist was met with remarks that left her feeling overlooked. Two colleagues, who were aware of her losses, shared comments she found painful. One female manager noted,
“At least you were in the early stages of your pregnancy.”
Meanwhile, a male manager remarked,
“You don’t look presentable enough to work at the reception desk.”
Vicky, who had begun trying for a baby in 2020, handed in her notice after her next shift, overwhelmed by the impact of these words.
Many individuals facing fertility challenges encounter similar remarks from loved ones. Friends and family often offer phrases like
“It’ll be your turn soon”
or
“Just hold on to hope”
with the intent to comfort. However, Vicky explains that these statements can feel dismissive during moments of intense vulnerability.
“I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”
Shared struggles and unintended pain
Others echo her sentiment. Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience on Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life, highlighting how fertility discussions can be fraught.
“You’re met with really poor words from people.”
She recalls a close friend advising her before starting IVF:
“A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it.”
Kay emphasizes that while these comments are often not malicious, they can unintentionally sting.
According to the NHS, approximately 14% of couples face difficulties conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where eggs are fertilized in a lab and implanted into the uterus. Despite this, those navigating infertility often find it challenging to discuss their experiences openly. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, explains her initial reluctance to share her struggles.
“There’s a sense of embarrassment,”
she says, adding,
“Because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”
Cultural pressures and personal retreat
For Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, the pressure is amplified in some South Asian communities.
“Women who don’t conceive quickly after marriage get so many comments.”
She notes that relatives often question a woman’s womanliness, blaming her for prioritizing career over family or not marrying young enough. During her struggle, Asiya withdrew from social interactions, avoiding friends and family due to relentless remarks.
“I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,”
she says, adding that seeking help is sometimes seen as a sign of weakness.
Seeking support and tailored care
Experts stress the importance of personalized support. Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), explains how the emotional toll of infertility treatment can be significant.
“The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,”
she told Woman’s Hour.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that support systems can vary.
“It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,”
she says. She encourages individuals to consult counselors at UK clinics, including NHS facilities, to better understand their needs. The women featured in the BBC News article suggest that friends and family should ask what kind of support is most needed, as preferences differ.
Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shares a contrasting story. She credits her friends and family with providing exceptional support throughout her fertility journey. After miscarriages, people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted vouchers for restaurants to help her take a break. Her parents even sent her flowers for Mother’s Day. Elena highlights that small gestures, like texts offering encouragement, can be just as meaningful as grand acts of kindness.
“It’s not just the big gestures. Small signs of support also mean a lot,”
she says.