The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
A hand-painted sign on the door of a private room reads “GIRLS ONLY” with a playful note: “Boys don’t enter!” and, as a cheeky afterthought, “Don’t worry boys!” The message is layered with vibrant hearts and stars, a visual nod to the warmth of the space. Inside, a dozen girls at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, are already engaged in an intense card game when I arrive. The atmosphere buzzes with laughter and chatter, and a pizza order is swiftly placed. This visit forms part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls, in which I spoke to roughly 150 young women, the majority aged between 13 and 17. Their insights mirrored the conversations at that table—sassy, sharp, and full of wit, they radiated confidence and energy.
Yet, beneath the surface, a subtle pattern emerged. Their ambitions, expressed with palpable enthusiasm, included dreams of becoming doctors while imagining a fridge that could hold a vase. Their loyalty to friends was unwavering, with one girl insisting she could confide in her best friend about anything. Their awareness of familial duties was striking, as seen in remarks about visiting their grandmother to recharge her electricity. But when the topic shifted to how boys perceive them, the tone changed. The conversation leaped between school politics, social media trends, and debates over Cheese Feast portions, all while repeatedly circling back to the role boys played in shaping their identities.
This project follows my earlier series About The Boys, where I engaged with teenage males across the UK. Amid the backdrop of post-pandemic recovery, the #MeToo movement, and the viral attention on Andrew Tate, I sought to uncover shifting perspectives. The girls, I found, were just as compelling: perceptive, articulate, and unafraid to share their views. Repeating the experiment with them felt natural, especially as the Epstein files surfaced during my journey to Carmarthen, lending an added sense of urgency to the discussion.
Boys as the central lens
What I hadn’t anticipated was the persistent focus on boys throughout every interview. When I asked, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” the response always began with the phrase: “Well, boys think/say/want/feel…” It was as though the girls had internalized the gaze of others, framing their experiences through the prism of male expectations. This dynamic felt like a real-world counterpart to the Bechdel Test—a film criterion requiring at least two named women to discuss something unrelated to men. In these conversations, the girls’ reflections were almost entirely centered on how boys saw or treated them.
“Growing up as a girl,” said one, “so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.”
Despite their openness, the irony was undeniable. Most admitted their behavior shifted when boys were present. They spoke of avoiding being labeled “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird,” while embracing the traits boys often admired: humor, boldness, and charisma. One girl described the paradox of being expected to be quiet in mixed groups, yet loud enough to stand out when alone. Teachers noted similar patterns, with some commenting on girls “keeping their heads down” or “flying below the radar” in social settings.
Dr Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar themes in her research. She observed: “There is certainly a pressure we heard from young women around that—really translating into they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel the behavior expectations on them were…” Her findings underscore the enduring influence of gendered norms, even as girls navigate a rapidly changing world. The conversation at the youth club, though small in scale, echoed a broader truth: for many, the male gaze remains an unshakable backdrop to their self-perception.